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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29488323">A rose in the dark will only die</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/tenverse/pseuds/tenverse'>tenverse</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Canon Compliant, M/M, Renjun is tired of hiding, Secret Relationship, none of them wants to break up, renjun's pov, they are in love but also scared</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 23:48:33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,664</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29488323</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/tenverse/pseuds/tenverse</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>So Renjun couldn’t help but think, what if their love is like that too? What if it was like that flower needing sunlight but without it, no matter how much you’d love or cherish it, it would just die? How much can one being go through, before it decides to give up?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Huang Ren Jun/Liu Yang Yang</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Challenge #5 — I heard a secret..</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>A rose in the dark will only die</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is my first time taking a part in the fest so I am both nervous and excited!!<br/>Thank you for the mods for organising this!<br/>And thank you for my beta - you're my hero, thank you for your help! &lt;3<br/>And to people who will read this: I hope you will enjoy it, and thank you for reading! ^^</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>***</b>
</p><p> </p><p>Renjun used to love every type of romantic stories he could get his hands on. </p><p>Movies, books, TV shows, you name it; he would absorb them like a sponge every evening, behind the closed doors of the room he shared with Jisung.</p><p> </p><p>He especially liked the hidden relationship trope. He wasn’t sure if that was due to the lack of any romance in his life at that point, or just straight up young foolishness, but he couldn’t help but to feel excitement when such a theme happened in the story he was consuming. The suspense of whether they would get caught or not, the delicacy of the couple’s behaviour, sharing intimacy in the most minimalistic and pure ways, like subtle touches in public when the two main characters of the story could be easily spotted; Renjun loved them so much to the point he almost envied them. </p><p> </p><p><em> Almost. </em> </p><p> </p><p>Several months ago, there was not a grain of envy for such things anymore. Instead it all turned into a silent scream of helplessness.</p><p> </p><p>His younger self would most likely envy Renjun’s present state. But  present-time Renjun only wants to snicker at his past self, maybe slap some sense into him and yell at him for having such stupid ideas about romance, now that he is in this type of situation. </p><p> </p><p><em> Closeted. In silence. Not allowing himself </em>to show that he is happy. Not daring to even consider the possibility of them one day being  open about their relationship. </p><p>Maybe to their members, but even that was unknown, since both of them didn’t want to risk someone saying  something they shouldn’t in a wrong place. It wasn’t that they didn’t trust their members! But wrong people could listen at all times, and since they spend time in  front of the public eye a lot, they decided to keep quiet for now. Especially since it meant keeping everyone out of trouble.</p><p> </p><p>And it was a mutual decision; both him and Yangyang agreed that it was for the best. </p><p> </p><p>To make sure they could hide the fact that they are dating, they’d really had to pull off their best act. Most of the time it wasn’t that bad as they already were friends, so being around each other could be easily arranged without much questioning.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “We know each other already and so I just wanted to make sure Yangyang was comfortable, so I just stayed by his side.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Renjun is my friend so it’s comfortable having him around when I am surrounded by new faces.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“<em> I just came over to see the cats. </em>”</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Since Jeno and I are in the same unit I thought it would be good to spend more time together in his dorm. </em>”</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p><p>The comfort of knowing that the excuses would work and that people wouldn't question anything about it gave them peace too. But things got a little more complicated when they just wanted to be left alone.Because a hidden relationship was just that—<em> hidden, private, undisclosed, Unknown of. </em></p><p>And God knows they both hated it.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Luckily no one questions it when they are in a bigger group; the hugs, the staying close to each other, the hand holding when Yangyang is dragging Renjun to show him the vending machine to decide who will have a vlive with who.</p><p>“Hey, wouldn’t it be fun if we would end up in one team?” Yangyang asked, giving him a bright smile while still not letting go of his hand. All Renjun could do was just to smile back at the boy, feeling the touch of his hand with every inch of his body.</p><p>Yes, moments like these were easy. What was a bit of skinship after all? They were basically best friends in everyone else’s eyes. Skinship was normal. </p><p>But sometimes they just needed to be alone. So the practice room dates became their safe place to do things as a couple.</p><p>Watching movies on the laptop with a minimum of snacks, cuddling on a pile of jackets or on the couch that some of the rooms provided, goofing around in the big space filled with their laughter. A hidden safe space. Where the kisses became a bit less playful and quick when no one was looking, and more deeper, more meaningful. </p><p>When the smallest and simplest of touches became the image of their cravings for each other's presence, the hunger to be as close as possible while still being careful and alerted. They were in public space, even if the doors were locked, there was only this much they could do, but neither of them dared to complain. </p><p>As long as they were together. That was the important part.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>It was honestly such a blessing that Kun loved to invite him and Chenle to the WayV dorms, whether it was to feed them or just so they could hang out together. These were the moments Renjun didn’t have to think of an excuse to go there— since it was Kun inviting him. Renjun really felt like he could scream of happiness, and maybe he did a few times and blamed it on the ‘homemade food from Kun’ when Jisung and the rest sent him weird stares. While that reason wasn’t a lie, deep down his heart did a happy jump once he realised he will get to spend time with Yangyang.</p><p>“No but imagine if out of all possible units, we’d both end up in NCT Japan,” Yangyang said, reminiscing about the conversation they once had at the NCT 2020 photoshoot, trying to picture who would end up in new units if the pick would only include the 23 members present.</p><p> </p><p>So after dinner when everyone went their own way including Yangyang’s roommates, they ended up sitting on Yangyang’s bed, watching some random videos on the younger boy's phone and Renjun truly missed having him and only him in closed space, sitting side to side, their shoulders touching.</p><p> </p><p>“While I don’t doubt your capability of learning yet <em> another </em> language, I highly doubt they would let us join,” Renjun laughed, looking at the younger with fondness in his eyes. </p><p>“Would be fun to spend more time together,” Yangyang commented and after that stuck his tongue at him and they both started laughing, after a while falling into a comfortable silence.</p><p><em> What would it be like? </em> Renjun thought. <em> Easier? More difficult </em>? </p><p>It would take a lot more hiding away from the members. Could it actually be fun? Or more like  self-torture on both sides?</p><p>But Renjun couldn’t really blame the positive side of Yangyang’s thinking. For the two of them, getting to spend more time together was essentially the goal. They just didn’t know how, or were too scared to mention the way they could, or- well. Renjun was scared, because Yangyang’s positive approach to their situation wasn’t really helping him bring up the topic. </p><p>Renjun knew they should talk, it’s been months since they started dating and they only mentioned it once or twice at the beginning of their relationship. It’s not that they were comfortable with the way they were sneaking around now. Or maybe Renjun was the only one growing uncomfortable with hiding? Was Yangyang really okay with this? </p><p>Renjun hated himself for thinking these negative thoughts, especially since Yangyang apparently had no problem being this way Renjun still wasn’t sure if that’s the way he wanted things to be, and for how much longer he could manage it all?</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>“Have you seen this gossip site? Apparently you’re dating now, hyung!” Jisung said teasingly, jumping on the sofa seating himself, right between Jaemin and Renjun. Jaemin only smiled; the rumours about him didn’t seem to bother him at all at this point as they were just rumours, Baseless comments that someone made out of boredom. </p><p>“Be careful Jisung, or you gonna end up like that one day too,” Jaemin  answered, his eyes still glued to his phone. “Besides, how does anyone expect me to find time for dating?” Renjun just snorted, not fully able to laugh, considering his own situation. “What, you don’t agree?” Jeno asked, spotting the way he reacted, and Renjun could feel his whole face heating up.</p><p>“It’s not like you have time either, mister Huang. You spend hours in the practice room these days, I barely even see you anymore,” Jaemin said, putting on an act of annoyance only betrayed by the smug smile he was unable to hide away, and Renjun had never wanted to say something more than he did in that given moment. </p><p>He’d often become the center of their jokes and teasing these days, to the point when even fans started getting worried as they often started bringing up the topic of Renjun ‘practising’ daily to the public. </p><p>He wished he could say something. He wished he could promise to cut his time spent in the practice rooms unless necessary, so the fans would stop worrying, but there is not much he can do. </p><p>But what he wanted the most was that his friends would stop bringing this up every hour of every day and every chance they get. He just wished he could stop himself from thinking and just slip up and reveal the real reason he was there so often, <em> and with who.  </em></p><p>But he promised Yangyang not to tell anyone, and to keep that promise, he’d have to bear everything that came with it. It’s not like Renjun didn’t tell him about the teasing. He had, and Yangyang worried and tried coming up with a solution like maybe telling the members that Renjun was helping him practice, anything. But Renjun was too scared to bring the attention to him, to them both.</p><p>Instead he just said that it was okay, that’s he was fine, and that they would get bored eventually. At the end of the day, the jokes were innocent, and they were partly made because his members worried too. So he could understand.</p><p>But he wished he could stop thinking and say something too. Just a name. Anything.</p><p> </p><p>“Or maybe he’s secretly dating somebody?” Jaemin blurted out, which led to laughing members who kept taking the joke further and further, which they all found hilarious. All but the target of their ribbing.  </p><p>No one paid attention to the way Renjun’s eyes changed, his face growing stone cold, and none of them saw or heard Renjun muttering a quick<em> ‘yes’ </em> as he wished he could be braver, or maybe more stupid. He couldn’t tell anymore. </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Renjun liked to compare their love to a flower. Something beautiful blossoming from a tiny grain. And since he especially loved roses he often thought of that. </p><p>A beautifully growing rose, an imaginary flower that they take care of together, and in a way it made sense. Relationships are about care and love for one another too. Renjun took care of Yangyang and Yangyang was taking care of Renjun, so the flower would  grow and bloom. And so the flower would grow beautiful.</p><p>But what would happen if said flower, instead of being shown the sun, for anyone to admire, would have no choice but to grow in the shadows, somewhere people couldn’t see it. Wouldn’t it just wither? </p><p>So Renjun couldn’t help but think, <em>what if their love is like that too?</em> <em>What if it was like that flower needing sunlight but without it, no matter how much you’d love or cherish it, it would just die? How much can one being go through, before it decides to give up?</em></p><p>And in that matter how much of hiding despite loving each other so dearly can they take, before growing tired of living in the dark? Renjun wanted to know how much more for them it would take before they break?</p><p>How much before Renjun really breaks. Because while he could feel the pain growing inside of his chest, he wanted to ignore it for a little longer. So this way he would not hurt either of them. For the sake of the flower—their love—that he hoped would keep on growing. </p><p>But somewhere deep down he felt the rose slowly dying, unable to stay alive any longer. Slowly giving up despite everything they did to keep it alive.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>“And you think <em> I am happy?” </em>Yangyang said.  “It's just that, since I got to spend any time with you, how could I dare to complain about it? All I need is to see you.”</p><p>“I need more,” Renjun whispered, tears blurring his sight. “I don’t want to hide, especially in front of my- <em> our </em> members. They are our family, Yangyang. I can’t lie to them like that.” Renjun’s voice became weaker, the type of voice someone has just seconds before crying. Yangyang just stared at him, a familiar light slowly disappearing, exchanged for a grim expression on the younger boy's face.</p><p>“So what do you want to say? We either tell everyone and risk our careers, or what?” Yangyang said so grimly it made Renjun shiver. </p><p>“We can trust them”</p><p>“I know that—”</p><p>“So why?” Renjun asked, his voice wavering, unable to hold back his tears any longer. Yangyang was close to crying too and Renjun could see he tried so hard not to tear up. Renjun knew that, he could see the guilt across the younger boy's face, and yet it felt… <em> it felt like a last straw. </em></p><p>They were just standing there in the practice room, Something that was supposed to be a romantic date had turned into a painful exchange, as if someone pushed the red button on the control board, the one that made everything go to hell. So here they were, staring at one another, tears filling their eyes, waiting for the other to speak. </p><p>“I am not going to risk your career, Renjun. I am not going to risk <em> mine, </em>” Yangyang said, and it made Renjun’s heart feel like it was breaking.  He just couldn’t take living in the shadows anymore, and he was scared. </p><p>“Please don’t leave me,” Renjun cried out, this time not even caring about the tears falling down, but Yangyang just stared at him, his own eyes filled with tears, an inner battle going inside his head, that’s what it looked like for Renjun.</p><p> </p><p>“I can’t-” Yangyang couldn’t finish, choking on his own tears,but what Renjun heard was enough for him to finally break down, a loud sob escaping his mouth, with his whole figure shaking as if he was about to fall apart.</p><p>
  <em> The secrets were too much. </em>
</p><p>Renjun stepped closer, hoping that the boy would speak up, or look at him, but Yangyang avoided his gaze no matter what.</p><p>
  <em> Our love built us up, but the secrets ruined everything. </em>
</p><p>“Please don’t leave me,” Renjun repeated</p><p>“I love you, but I can’t tell them.” Yangyang whispered.</p><p>Was Renjun asking for too much? Was he selfish? Too stubborn? <em> Too in love? </em> He only could look at the other boy, his heart shattering. <em> Do you actually love me? </em>was what he wanted to yell.</p><p>But then again isn’t ‘if you love it, let it go’ how the saying goes? </p><p>So wasn’t it the act of love to let each other go? </p><p>To make it stop hurting as much as it did?</p><p>To hope the future will be brighter and they will find their way to one another again?</p><p>He didn’t say anything, too scared of what would be the response. So instead, he leaned closer and kissed him, hoping to stay like that forever, and Yangyang kissed him back, pulling him in, holding him as tightly as possible. As close to his own body as possible.</p><p>In this moment Renjun felt love, fear, sadness, fondness, and his heart slowly breaking.</p><p><em> Was this their kiss goodbye? </em> Renjun wondered. If that was their last moment together, he needed to hold on to that for as long as he possibly could. </p><p> </p><p>For as long as Yangyang would let him. </p><p> </p><p>Until they would have to part ways.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p><a href="https://twitter.com/tenverse_">TWT</a>  <a href="https://curiouscat.qa/tenverse">CC</a></p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm sorry for the potential pain I've caused &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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